Bella's Hygene
by the bella h8erz
Summary: Edward discovers Bella's horrific hygene problems. From explosive diarrhea to hairy amrs. Can he still love her through her imperfections?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1. Bella's Armpits

I ran quickly and quietly through the dense forests of Forks. It was slightly drizzling and my clothes showed that. I turned onto the street that Bella, my love's house was on. She had no neighbors, so I was at liberty to run my fastest. I sometimes, no, I did this every night. I loved her so much. I saw her room's light on, and if I had a heart, it would be roaring like a helicopter. I finally made my way onto her front lawn only to just crawl up the side of her house. I was waiting patiently before I tapped on the window, wanting to see her so badly. And finally, she opened it up.

I saw her smiling face and I could hear her heart pounding in my presence. I entered her room, shutting the window quietly. "I've missed you." I gave her a quick kiss on her forehead, and her heart quickened. "Missed you too, even though I just saw you about three hours ago." She said slyly. "All the same, I missed you." I smiled and kissed her again, our lips meeting was something so wonderful; she could only be an angel from heaven.

She grabbed my hands and towed me towards her bed, pulling me on top of her. There was a thud once we fell onto it, and I chuckled lightly. "We wouldn't want to wake up Charlie, now would we?" I insisted, kissing her in between words. Her face turned a deep, beautiful scarlet and once more venom swirled in my mouth. I stopped kissing her at once; too afraid I would hurt her.

"It's not like we're doing anything Charlie wouldn't approve of." She said bitterly. How I hated rejecting her like this! I wished I could be human once more, but no matter how bad I wanted it, it would never happen. "Bella, you know I can't underestimate my self-control. I could really hurt you, and then I'd never be able to live with myself." I looked into her deep chocolate eyes, hoping for an understanding. But only rejection washed through her. I had to make her feel better. I slowly put my hands on her waist, very gently, and bent my head down. I kissed up her waist and I could feel the heat coming from her cheeks. I was enjoying this too, and I-

My face went blank, and I stopped kissing her. I was at the top of her ribcage, just below her…underarms. The most fowl stench I had ever smelled flared through my nose, making me want to gag. It was like a mixture of a dead fish and soured milk. "Why'd you stop?" She asked perplexed. Oh God, how was I going to tell my dearest love about her smelly underarms?!

"Uhm…Bella, love, could you um, put on some…deodorant?" I said, ashamed and embarrassment overwhelming me. But I couldn't do anything about it, it was too fowl a smell.

"Why?" She asked confused, I couldn't bear to hurt her feeli- there was that God awful smell again. "Because you're…musty." I said the last part very quietly, hoping it didn't sound too harsh.

I put down my head in shame, as she smelled herself by lifting her arms. "Ugh!" She jumped off her bed quickly and ran into her bathroom. I heard some fumbling, and she was back. I looked over her again, hoping the smell wouldn't be there. She was wearing a tank-top and sweats. She lay down on the bed, whilst I was sitting upright.

"I'm ready." She said seductively, and spread out her arms. I felt my face go even whiter than usual. Under her arms, there was a huge bush of hair, like a patch of weeds in a garden. And, there was so much lint! I could see the deodorant stains in her armpit hair as well. I felt my mouth drop open in surprise, and Bella look worriedly at me.

"Edward, what's wrong!" She sat up and cupped her warm hands around my face, and I could see the ugly brown hair sticking out from under her pits.

What would I say? _Oh nothing Bella, you just have a bush growing under your arm. _Surely not! But, I didn't even have that much hair under my own, and I'm a man.

"Bella, you should go to sleep, I don't want you to be tired for school in the morning." I said curtly, and kissed her on the cheek, humming her lullaby. She fell asleep quickly, and I let out a sigh. "That was close." I murmured, and worried that she wouldn't shave it.


	2. Chapter 2

I sat in the rocking chair, watching Bella sleep. Every now and then, catching a horrid glimpse of her armpit hair. As I watched her sleep, I heard my name escape her lips.

"Oh Edward, how I love to lick your creamy center, and your oh so nutty chocolate coverings!" If I were human I would have been cherry red from blushing. I felt totally embarrassed and crept out by her gross-talk. Then, something else came out of her mouth.

"Oh Edward, my nipples itch." Ewe. Did she really just say that? Ewe. Mental image, ugh. For once, I'm glad I couldn't hear her thoughts. She was saying the strangest things tonight. Another sentence popped out.

"Oh Edward, I know you like my hairy armpits, they must turn you on." I was disgusted. Her armpits were atrocious.

I got up from the chair careful not to wake her, and dashed down her lawn. I made it home in record time, all the while thinking about the strange events that had occurred at Bella's house.

I walked through the front door and made it to my room. I could hear Alice and Jasper murmuring to each other, probably sharing their feelings. Carlisle and Esme were in his office, talking about how happy they were for me and my Bella. And Emmett and Rosalie, ugh. Who knew what they were up to! I was trying to block them and I suddenly slipped. I heard Emmett's mental voice, still booming.

_Yeah! Get some! Get some! Awe, Rose is so hot when she- oh, hey Eddie boy! Me and Rose just, umm…having some intercourse! Yeeaah! Get some MOM!!_

I grimaced and wished internally I hadn't come home. But Bella was being so strange. I couldn't deal with her hair, in places where it shouldn't be. I heard Alice mentally calling my name.

_Hey Edward! Glad your home…ok listen, I kinda saw you and Bella, and whoa! Were HER pits hairy! Like Pittsburg! Ha-ha. And her sleep-talking! Hahahahahahahahahaha!_

She then burst into giggle-fits, leaving Jasper confused at her obvious joy and laughter.

_Edward? What's Alice laughing at?_ Jasper asked questioningly. Before I could respond to that, I heard Alice yell, "FAMILY MEETING!" And she dashed down into the living room.

We were all there in an instant, confused. Rosalie was wearing a bath robe and Emmett had on a pair of whitey tidies and nothing else! They looked annoyed, being interrupted from…whatever. I suddenly saw what Alice was planning to do. She was going to tell them about Bella.

"No!" I roared loudly, lunging for her tiny neck, and before I got there Emmett and Jasper had me pinned to the floor.

"What's going on?" Carlisle said calmly, Esme nodding along with him. Alice smiled a little evil smile and started.

"Everyone, I saw something so outrageously funny I thought I should share, as it would only be rude on my part! I had a vision, of Edward and Bella, and well…Edward was kissing up her waist when…he smelled her armpits!" Everyone was frozen, and then, Emmett was the first to burst out in laughter, everyone else following. Even Esme! Even Carlisle! Has this world gone mad?!

Alice, trying to calm down, then said "And then he told her to put on some deodorant!" They all laughed louder. "Then, she did, and she came back in the room, and lay down on her bed, and then she spread out her arms, and she had a bush of armpit hair!" They all laughed even _**louder**_. "And then, Edward was frozen, and he told Bella to go to sleep…and she did!" That was the loudest thing I ever heard in my life.

"Alice!" I moaned. "Stop! Please!" I was still pinned to the ground by Emmett and Jasper, and she wasn't done.

"Then the sleep talking came!" She burst out in laughter, to high on it to say anything.

"What did she say Alice?" Esme prodded. Esme?! You would think she would try to protect Bella. Maybe this world really has gone mad.

Alice walked over to Edward, and grabbed him around the waste, much to his embarrassment, and said giddily, "Oh Edward, how I love to lick your creamy center and your oh so nutty chocolate coverings!" Alice flicked out her tongue like a snake and sneered. And with that, Carlisle and Rosalie were on the floor, rolling around in their own laughter. I was shocked and sickened. Did they have no respect for Bella at all?!

"And then she said, Oh Edward, my nipples itch!" They all were laughing so hard! Then, they all mocked her and started scratching their nipples! Emmett looked the worst. He had no shirt on, only a pair of underwear, and here he was scratching at the dots on his pecks! Sickening!

"And the then she said the most retarded thing ever!" They all looked at Alice as if they didn't know they'd die. Alice looked up at Edward and smiled sweetly. She lifted up her arm and cupped her armpit, "Oh Edward, I know you like my hairy armpits, they must turn you on!" Esme giggled, and__Rosalie let out a high pitched wail, along with Alice's, and together they broke the back window! Glass was everywhere, and that only made them laugh harder.

They finally released me, once Alice was done telling Bella's embarrassing story. I sat grumpily on the couch while they all laughed for about an hour before things started to cool down. Emmett, still in only underwear, took a seat next to me on the couch. He sat there, completely emotionless. He was blocking me from his thoughts by thinking about how many different pairs of panties he's ever seen. And that was a lot. Suddenly, an elfish smile spread halfway up his face. A pedophile smile. He put his arm around me, and dragged my head to the other side of the couch.

"Hey Edward." He whispered slowly. "I was thinking' you know that you should keep Bella around, so we can all laugh at her." My mouth dropped open in surprise. That was just mean.

"But whatever, see ya'!" And with that he dashed upstairs. Everyone in the room just stood there, listening to the sounds coming from his and Rosalie's room. I heard drawers and the window open.

"NO!" I yelled and dashed after Emmett after Alice told us what he was going to do. I was fast, I could catch up and get the camera and run. I took off, and I saw Emmett running with a camera in his hands! I caught up and was right on his heels. I heard his loud mental voice. _Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap!_ Suddenly, I went flying and was pinned to the ground. Jasper. I growled.

"Get those pictures Emmett!" He shouted loudly.

"I will!" Emmett replied loudly back. And then, Alice and Rosalie helped Jasper and dragged me into the house.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.

I can't believe this! I'm actually gonna get some pictures! Maybe even make a little video too. I'm so mischievous! I ran out of the forest and darted across the highway. Nobody was out here, I checked my watch; three thirty-seven. Great! I'll be home by four. I didn't know how long they could hold Edward down.

I made it to Bella's house, and I crawled up the side where her bedroom lay. I saw the window, and opened it with ease. The hard part was getting inside; Edward had chicken bones, so he could fit. I was like a grizzly bear, so it was much, much harder.

I finally got in, and whoa did her scent hit me. She smelled so lovely, like a patch of flowers, but I ignored the burn in the back of my throat. Edward would kill me if I ever hurt Bella.

I stood on my tippy-toes, trying to make as little sound as possible. I sneaked quietly over to Its bed, where It lay. I laughed silently at myself, and her room shook with me. Better not do that again.

I walked over and saw It sleeping. I took the camera from my hand and sneaked over to her bed. She lay there, sleeping…damn. Her arms were over her pits. Maybe she didn't even have any hair-

Just then, Bella lifted her arms at the slightest ease, and there was the ugly, brown, hair. I shook the house as I snapped a multitude of embarrassing photos, laughing more than I ever had in years. I looked through the photos...fifty-seven. Hmm... This should do. I laughed it off a few more times, and then heard a small noise on the other side of the house.

Charlie! Crap. I never thought of him. I could hear his footsteps across the hall, and I had to hide. The window would be too difficult if I didn't want to tear it out in the process. I looked around and spotted the closet… it had possibilities. I sneaked over and opened the door ever so slightly, and eased myself in, closing the door just as Charlie opened Bella's. He came in quietly, and walked over to her bedside. I opened the door slightly, and peeked out. He looked down at her admiringly, and slowly…unzipped his pants?! He pulled down his underwear, and I didn't wanna see the rest. He started… peeing all over her sheets. Then he walked around and started peeing all over her stuff!

He was a freak. A super freak. Goodness. He laughed heartily, and said quietly, "Take that you whore!" and lubricated on her face! How did she not wake up? I shut the door as he left, and flipped on the light switch. Whoa. Bella had some ugly clothes. I saw a green sweater, and turned away with disgust, and saw so much flannel, if not as much of a chic geek as Alice, I would've burned it all. I got bored double-knotting all of her shoes, so I walked out into her room again. It smelled of pee. Ewe. I stepped over the massive puddles and out to the window. I needed to put these on face book.


End file.
